


I Swear That Everyday You'll Get Better

by lovethatwewerein



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29635335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethatwewerein/pseuds/lovethatwewerein
Summary: Nothing makes him keep the photos, there’s not some blinking sign saying ‘KEEP THESE’ to stop him throwing them away, but he doesn’t bother getting rid of them. Instead, he leaves them in his winter coat, hidden between a pair of gloves and then stuffed into the storage closet until this year.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	I Swear That Everyday You'll Get Better

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Say You Won't Let Go' by James Arthur

**i. photograph, care, forgiveness**

Nothing makes him keep the photos, there’s not some blinking sign saying ‘KEEP THESE’ to stop him throwing them away, but he doesn’t bother getting rid of them. Instead, he leaves them in his winter coat, hidden between a pair of gloves and then stuffed into the storage closet until this year. 

The corners are creased and he thinks there’s a water stain on one of them but they’re still good. He could pin them to his bulletin board, place Sebastian between Sam and Tina and his timetable for this semester, but something stops him. It could be that he’s still not entirely sure what to make of the Warbler, of how easily he’d thrown away their friendship, or it could be that he’s only just taken Kurt’s pictures down and it somehow feels _wrong_ to replace him so soon. 

He ends up leaving them on his bedside table next to a framed photo of the Warblers from sophomore year, putting them out of his mind as he drives to McKinley. Sebastian doesn’t not belong in his life - he’d mattered at one point - but to display that was something he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do. If he wanted to explain it to Tina the next time she came over or if they were visible in a photo Kurt might see. 

Blaine’s taken risks in his life but he’s not ready to take this one. 

*

They stay there for weeks, gathering dust and slowly beginning to stick to the wood for lack of movement. He buries them under books and whatever else he can find so he can ignore them for as long as possible, hiding that he needs to confront the reality of how much Sebastian had hurt him. Really think about whether one mistake can outweigh how much he enjoyed spending time with the other boy. 

*

He picks them up again after Tina asks him to Sadie Hawkins, desperate for something to distract him from how awkward he’d made their friendship by turning her down, and it’s strange to think of how long ago it felt like he and Sebastian took them. 

Kurt had been spending the night with Mercedes - he missed her more than he could say and Blaine could accept that - but it had left him restless, without plans, and he’d only hesitated for a moment before reaching out to Sebastian. He’d half expected another night at Scandals, just something to do to pass the time, but the address Sebastian sent him led to a bowling alley just outside Westerville. 

He’d met Sebastian’s dad and his sister, laughed his head off when Ella refused to use the side barriers. She could do it, she’d assured him when he offered to put them up, lifting a ball that looked like it weighed too much for any eight year old to carry. Sebastian had told him to let it go when he tried to insist that it would help her and he’d realised that he might be the first to see the other boy like this. It meant something then and it still meant something. 

The colour on the photos is slightly faded but he can still make out that his pants were red, that Sebastian was wearing a yellow and black striped rugby shirt. Can still hear Ella calling her brother a bee when he pointed it out and can sense Austin Smythe staring at him with interest every time he stood up to bowl. 

He doesn’t know how he can remember it, but he can, and it makes him wish he could go back to that. Back to a friendship left untouched by anger and upset. 

*

His phone rings while he’s brushing his teeth the morning after the Sadie Hawkins dance and he assumes it’s Sam telling him to turn on the news. He can see Hunter Clarington attack that reporter and he shakes his head as he answers the call. 

“Hello.” 

“Hey, Blaine,” he almost drops the phone, so unprepared for Sebastian to be calling him that his mind takes a second to catch up with what’s going on. To understand that there’s a reason for Sebastian to be reaching out. “Can we talk?” 

He blinks, rinsing his toothbrush off and sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Sure. Lima Bean?” 

“Actually,” Sebastian hesitates and it’s the first time he’s known him to be nervous that he knows he’s going to say yes no matter where he tells him to go. “Would you be able to come to Dalton? We’re not allowed to leave the school grounds until we’ve all been administered a drug test.” 

“That’s… Yeah, no, I can drive to Dalton.” 

There’s a slow intake of breath and then a distant yell from Sebastian’s end of the line. He assumes it’s another Warbler - probably Jeff. “Thanks, Blaine.” 

“No problem.” 

He picks up some snacks on his way because he knows that Nick and Thad will go stir crazy without and he gets himself a coffee because he’s not allowed to buy from the Dalton cafeteria anymore, not unless a current student pays and he’s not going to ask any of them to do that. Not with everything else they have going on right now. 

The headmaster greets him when he arrives and he’s not sure what the protocol is but he’s only sort of surprised when the man asks to check his bag. Nothing he bought would cause him to be punished, he’s not smuggling anything, but nerves still crawl up his neck until Headmaster Clemonte hands everything back with a smile. 

“It’s good to see you again, Mr Anderson,” Clemonte tells him as he turns to walk down the hall, looking to all the world like he knows more than he’s letting on. Blaine doesn’t have secrets, not really, and he’s not hiding anything but it still feels like the man can see through him to things he doesn’t know yet. “Off you go, kiddo.” 

He checks the senior commons first and it’s not hard to see the divide between Trent and everyone else. Jeff is sitting somewhere in the middle, more willing to forgive than the others, but Sebastian is nowhere to be seen. He leaves the bag with Thad in exchange for Sebastian’s room number. 

“Hey,” he greets when the door opens, Sebastian walking back to his bed and gesturing for Blaine to sit with him. “I just saw everyone else.” 

“Is Jeff still trying to make everyone friends again?” 

“He hates when people fight,” Blaine argues, pushing himself back against the wall as the other boy tilts his face towards the ceiling. “You know that.” 

Sebastian nods even though his jaw tenses, breathing slowly through his teeth. “I just don’t get why he did it? What was the point in ratting us out?” 

“Stop you all from making more mistakes, I guess?” 

“He was being selfish.” 

“He was trying to protect the Warblers as a whole.” 

The other boy shakes his head, moving to look Blaine in the eye. It can’t be too comfortable but he doesn’t comment on it. “He wanted to be the hero. He might’ve said it was for the good of the team but everyone knows he did it for himself. He’s basically guaranteed himself acceptance to university and left the rest of us floundering.”

He wants to argue, wants to defend Trent because he was never like that - he didn’t care about a competition over his friends - but he’s been gone for a while. He can’t pretend to know the Warblers anymore, not all of them, and this is just a prime example of how things have changed since he left. It makes him regret being convinced to transfer more than anything has, the reality that he may have contributed to his friends falling so out of sync. That he helped get them to this point. 

“Whatever reason he did it for, it’s done now,” he says in the end, shifting his gaze from Sebastian to the wall opposite him. There’s photos of Nick and Jeff, of their sisters and of the lacrosse team. “Have they tested you yet?”

“This morning. Should take the weekend to process the results.” 

“And what will they come up as?” 

He’s genuinely curious about it. He doesn’t know if Sebastian took the drugs or how they really work if he’s honest. He knows that Hunter will get a positive result and Trent will get a negative. But that’s all he does know. 

“It’ll come back negative,” Sebastian tells him, picking at the cover on his bedsheets so he doesn’t have to look at him. “I agreed to let Hunter be captain if I wasn’t made to take them.” 

“That’s-”

“I keep thinking about it,” he carries on and Blaine falls silent. There’s likely a lot to be said and this might be Sebastian’s first chance to let it out - maybe even his last chance as well - and he won’t get in the way of that. “How easy it was to hand the captaincy over to save my own ass. I shouldn’t have done it or, if I did, I should’ve made sure that someone else was safe. I would’ve been fine. Jeff… Jeff wasn’t.” 

“You did the best you could with what little you had,” he tries because he’s not sure what to say. There’s not really a guide on how to deal with your friend turned stranger calling you after being busted for the use of performance enhancing drugs in _show choir_. If he were feeling a little less sorry for his friends, he might make a joke about how the worst part of it is that they needed drugs for show choir, of all things. “No one can hold that against you.” 

“We’ll see.”

**ii. nostalgia, baking, rain**

They talk more after that, share tidbits as November melts into December. His mom knows that something is going on, that he’s lighter than he had been in a while, but she doesn’t comment on it and neither does his father. It’s not because they don’t care - they do, in their own quiet way - they just don’t really know how to bond with him anymore, what his interests are and how they can fit into that part of his life with their nine to five jobs. 

Sebastian tells him about Wes’s visit, about how he’d never felt so ashamed as when someone he’d never met tore into him about sectionals and he gets it. Wes may have been his brother, someone he admired more than words could explain, but he could be scary when he wanted to be. He was their leader, the person the Warblers looked up to, and it had to hurt to have him tell them off. 

It’s not until the week before Christmas, his parents packing for a trip to L.A to spend the holidays with Cooper that he realises how lonely his week is going to be. He has his plans, activities he does every year without fail - baking a gingerbread house and, in the last couple of years, his duet with Kurt. He can’t do that last thing this time so he has to fill those three minutes somehow, find something to do that will replace all the time he was supposed to spend with Kurt. 

So he does the only thing he can think of in the moment. He messages Sebastian. 

He doesn’t expect his phone to ring a few seconds after the text is sent but it does and he answers it, placing it next to his chemistry textbook on his desk. 

“What’s this about you spending Christmas alone, Anderson?” 

“My parents are flying out tonight to visit Cooper,” he explains, flipping to a page about the history of the atom. “I was just wondering if you were around so we could hang out.” 

“My aunt is coming up on Wednesday and she has three kids under five so I’d love to avoid that,” Sebastian laughs and it sounds so much lighter than he’s been in weeks that Blaine can’t help but smile as he draws a diagram. “What do you have planned?” 

*

He’d started baking with his grandmother when he was six, carefully counting eggs and watching as she measured out the exact amount of flour, sugar, everything that he would learn to do in his own time. She’d tell him stories of her doing the same as he did, standing on a chair so she could see above the counter while her mother told her how to make the perfect biscuits, the best cakes she could for the holiday season, and he’s carried that with him since she died. 

It’s not often that he lets other people join him on these days, not his mom and certainly not Cooper. He’d let Kurt join him last year after a lot of arguing, the effort of it weighing him down until Kurt was leafing through old recipe cards and asking whether alternate ingredients would make for a better end product. His dad didn’t say anything but he could tell he didn’t like it when he got a beer out of the fridge before dinner. 

So it’s not a regular occurrence but he lets Sebastian into the kitchen, directing him to grab the ingredients off of the top shelf where he keeps them out of reach until this time of year. 

“Can’t reach them yourself, Anderson,” Sebastian says as Blaine ties his apron. Or, rather, his mother’s apron because he doesn’t expect Sebastian to wear the floral print, and hands the other boy his dark blue one. 

“I can reach them,” he rolls his eyes, placing the scales and some baking trays on the table so he doesn’t have to worry about them later. He has a process, perfected over the past few years, and no one is going to tell him to change it. Not this time. “But what’s the point in standing on a chair when you’re here?” 

“Is that why I’m here? To reach the stuff you can’t?” 

“Obviously. It’s the only redeeming thing about you.” 

Sebastian laughs, closing the cupboard and following Blaine’s direction to wash his hands. “I find that hard to believe.” 

“I guess your hair is okay too.” 

He takes the lead after that and Sebastian doesn’t try to fight him on it - he accepts that Blaine knows what he’s doing. They put the radio on, some pop station that plays songs they know and ones that they’ve never heard of, and they have fun. It’s been a long time since he’s enjoyed cooking with someone, trying to fit his process with someone else’s so they aren’t constantly bumping into one another. 

He’s not the type to believe in signs of the universe, not anymore, but he’s sure this has to be one. That Sebastian fitting so seamlessly into who he can be in this situation, covered in flour with empty egg shells pushed to one side, has to mean _something_. 

There’s just no explaining _what_ it means. 

*

“What do you think about God?” 

Sebastian coughs through the phone, wind whistling around him as Blaine sits on his windowsill. Two droplets connect as they race down the window and he stares at them with interest. “What do you mean?” 

“Do you think God exists?” 

“What brought this on?” Sebastian asks instead of answering, a curious lilt to his voice that Blaine can’t ignore. They used to have conversations like this, the big questions that there would never be a set answer to. But now, he’s not sure where to draw the line. Sebastian is there and he has just as many answers to give as Blaine so why shouldn’t he be allowed to share them? 

He leans his head against the cool window pane, dragging his knee up to his chin. “Burt Hummel just called me. He has cancer.” 

There’s a second of silence, a single second where he doesn’t know whether to carry on talking or hang up. This isn’t Sebastian’s problem. And then it comes, quiet but there, “I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“He invited me to New York this weekend - fly out, help him break the news to Kurt.” 

“Let me guess,” Sebastian interrupts and Blaine watches the rain puddle on the road outside. “You’re going.” 

“I’m not.” He shakes his head, the memory of Burt’s call bouncing around his head. He’d been so unsure about whether he was making the right choice, staying in Ohio alone than seeing if he and Kurt have that chance. If they can make it work now. “It wouldn’t be fair to either of them if I was there. This is Burt’s news. I shouldn’t get involved.” 

“As much as I don’t like Kurt, he deserves support while he goes through this.” 

“He has Rachel,” he argues, wondering why Sebastian of all people is making him question his decision. “She can do more for him than I can right now. She lives with him.” 

“It’s not the same thing, Blaine,” the other boy says, a slow breath following his words as he struggles to push them out. “If you’re staying here because you don’t want to deal with the pain of seeing Kurt again, I get it but I’m not sure you won’t regret it in a few weeks.” 

Mr Collins steps into the street with his dog, bundled in a warm coat and hiking boots. “Burt said it was nothing to worry about. He’s almost guaranteed full recovery.” 

“So you don’t have to worry. I’m sure someone, whether it be Hummel or his dad, will keep you updated.” 

“I guess you’re right.” 

“I’m always right,” Sebastian says and Blaine lets out a watery chuckle. “As for your earlier question - I think we all need someone to lean on sometimes, no matter who that is.” 

He smiles into his sleeve, two new droplets joining together even as the rain clears. Maybe Sebastian is always right after all. 

**iii. music, dream, moon**

Something about the new year has always confused him, why people wait for a day to tell them that they can make a change to their lives. There are other days like that, the start of the academic year or birthdays, but people can improve, figure themselves out at any time - so why do they put it off until the first day of January. 

Whatever the reason, everyone sets their goals. They write them down and tuck them away, struggle through them for a month before giving up and returning to who they were back in December. And through all of that, the same people every year celebrate those goals being made. 

“We weren’t sure you’d make it,” Nick tells him when he knocks on Thad’s door, taking his shoes off because he knows what Sarah Harwood is like when it comes to keeping her carpets clean. “Jeff was worried the New Directions would be throwing a party that you’d go to instead.” 

“A few of them are meeting up but I missed you guys.” 

“Of course you did.”

He waves at John and Thad, taking three steps into the kitchen before he’s tackled into a hug, stumbling backwards into the wall. He laughs, wrapping his arms around Jeff in return. “You made it!” 

“I told you I would,” he responds when the taller boy finally pulls back, grinning widely. “Is everyone here?” 

“We’re waiting for Sebastian. He had to drop his sister off to a friend’s first,” He nods, refusing the beer Nick offers him. He’s made a fool of himself in the past and he doesn’t want that tonight, not when there’s no reason for him to be drunk. “Heard you two have been talking more.” 

“It’s just the odd phone call here and there.”

“Sure sounds like it.”

“It’s nothing,” he chooses to ignore the late night phone calls, the reality that he felt wrong if he didn’t send Sebastian a stupid pun every day, that he felt empty without Sebastian complimenting them both in one fell swoop. “We’re friends. But that’s it.” 

Nick doesn’t comment, prepared to let Blaine come to his own conclusions, figure things out in his own time. That’s always been his thing, not letting Blaine be told that he needs to sort himself out but letting him work them out for himself but giving him a nudge when he needs it. 

There’s a yell of, “Sebastian,” from Thad’s living room and, as much as he wants to, he doesn’t rush into the other room to greet him. 

“Hey, you made it.” 

He sips his water, lifting himself onto the counter. “Why does everyone keep saying that?” 

“Well, you aren’t exactly a Dalton student anymore.”

He ducks his head down, a flush crawling up his neck because _okay, that’s true_. “I’m still friends with everyone.” 

“And I’m glad because it would have been a sin to never see your ass in those chinos again.”

“You’re the worst.”

“And you’re drinking water at a party,” Sebastian’s nose crinkles as he raises his cup towards Blaine. “Who’s really the worst?”

“Still you.” 

The other boy snorts and Jeff comes into the kitchen to drag them into a game of Twister. “You love me, Anderson - don’t forget it.”

*

It’s easy to forget, when he’s at McKinley, that the Warblers can be just as draining to be around. They’re a more cohesive team, sure, but they’re energetic and excitable and, when half of them drink, they get slightly crazy with little regard for the rules. So he doesn’t feel terrible when he needs to step out, take a breather and gather his wits. 

He sits on the swingset near the end of the garden that the Harwoods never bothered to get rid of. The swing bends under his weight. He shifts his gaze to the sky, to the moon and the bright stars that dot the sky. The question he’d asked Sebastian a week ago comes to the forefront of his mind: do you think God exists?

Kurt’s views on religion follow, his vehement belief that there was no God and Blaine could understand that, how experience would bring Kurt to that belief. Quinn’s follow - her need for an explanation as to why everything happened, why she had to suffer the way she did if it wasn’t part of some greater plan. 

If he thinks about it, really considers his life so far, he’s probably somewhere in the middle - there’s some unknown force acting on him, giving him the choices he’s faced with at any given moment so he can take the path he wants. It’s an even chance as to where he ends up and sometimes he’s the one who makes the wrong decision and other times there’s never a decent one to be made. 

“Are you feeling okay?” 

Sebastian leans against the swingset, raising a brow at the way it creaks when Blaine rocks back and forth gently. 

“I’m just thinking about next year,” he says, tilting his head so he can look at the other boy. “What I’m going to do after graduation.”

“It’s so weird to me that they don’t tell you to do this in junior year.”

“McKinley is weird.”

“You said it, not me,” Sebastian crosses his arms, tilting his gaze back towards the house. Jeff, he thinks, is visible through the window when he squints. “But what do you want to do next year?”

He drags his foot across the grass, stopping the swing completely. “Up until this year, I thought I’d join Kurt at NYADA. Move in. Be in love in New York.” 

“Blaine-” 

“I know it was bad - short-sighted, whatever you wanna call it - but it felt like it would be the only way to hold onto Kurt,” he continues, keeping his eyes locked on Nick and Jeff in the window instead of turning towards Sebastian. Enough people have told him that he would be making a mistake if he did that. “And he’s, he was, my soulmate.” 

“You thought he was,” Sebastian finally gives up, sitting himself on the grass in front of Blaine to look him in the eye, grabbing his hand and resting them on Blaine’s knee. “You’re your own person Blaine. Kurt or no Kurt - you’re incredible. You can do whatever you want with your life.” 

“Thank you,” he whispers, the rest of the Warblers walking into the garden for the fireworks one of the neighbours is bound to set off soon. He presses a kiss to Sebastian’s cheek without thinking, taking his hand back so they can join their friends. 

The taller boy smiles back at him, brushing his hand over the back of his pants. There’s probably a grass stain on them but he’s pretty sure it’s worth it. 

Blaine Anderson normally was.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at love-that-we-were-in on tumblr if you ever want to reach out, _maybe leave a prompt?_ <3


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